It's not any kind of mutation, and it's not a conspiracy of gods that drives me towards test after test... It's my own fear.
I have a very closely knit circle of women in my family-from my mother, to my favorite aunts, and older cousins. And one phrase I've heard repeatedly since I was young from these older women that has stuck with me is, "I wish I would have..."
My biggest fear isn't death.. It's being 30 or 4o or 50 and saying to my much younger niece, daughter, cousin, or to myself "I wish I would have.." Now, this fear has gotten my heartbroken, it's forced me to break hearts, to embarrass myself, to lie to people I care about, and sometimes, to lie to myself. It's gotten me into some tough situations and it's forced me to make hard decisions. Sometimes those decisions have hurt, sometimes they've set me free.
Despite any pain or sadness I've experienced over the years because of this nagging fear, I can tell you one thing. I regret NOTHING. For every test I've faced I have grown stronger. I've gained confidence, I've learned to love more deeply than I though possible, and I've come to know a peace I thought would never be mine.
Have I made mistakes? Yes. Do I feel guilt or sorrow from time to time? Absolutely. Am I tested on a daily basis? For sure, and sometimes, I feel as though I'll break- but that's where the growth comes in. It's in my darkest moments I find my strength, my faith. Tests, darkest hours, these all part of life. Even people who take the easy road cannot escape pain or sadness or discontentment. There is no escape from heartbreak, there are no easy answers..
I know in my heart that every road, testing or not so testing, has led me to this place and time, and I am right where I belong, regret free.