I have spent the better part of this year crippled by my depression, paralyzed by it. My brain’s been on fire, my heart has been readying itself to heal, and I’ve just been curled up in the fetal position for the most part, losing myself in Hulu and Netflix marathons, hiding from all the things my heart says to do.
We spend a lot of time at the end of the year focusing on the roads we didn’t travel. Paths we didn’t follow, the steps we never took. We reflect on missed opportunities, failures, and then we drink it all away all night only to wake up on the first day of the new year just to start that cycle over again. But I won’t. Not this year, not again. 2016 really will be different, and it will not - it cannot - be worse; because I'm different. This year has changed me, for the better. I can tell you that there were many points this year where I wanted to die, and all that's taught me is how badly I want to live.
I want to live in 2016, spend most of my time up and out of the fetal position.
From the mouth of the fabulously insane Jim Carrey:
"Let the universe know what you want, work toward it, and let go of how it comes to pass.
Your job is not to figure out how it's going to happen, but to open the door in your head, and when the door opens in real life, just walk through it."
This is as close as I’ll get to any kind of resolution. I’m letting go of all the paths I’ve never traveled and can’t travel any longer because of one reason or another. I’m letting go of all the steps I never took and I’m taking new ones. I’m going to do everything I can to open the doors in my mind. I’m going to visualize what I want, I’m going to work hard, play hard, and allow myself to enjoy the ride, because for the past couple of years I think I’ve forgotten how to.
I have many tough decisions to make in the new year. I’m going to do some things that people won’t agree with. I’m going to travel down some paths that are probably going to make me look a little crazy. Some of you will get me, some won’t and honestly, I’m too tired to care anymore.
I’m going to embrace the confusion and the chaos and let myself enjoy being lost because honestly- I think I’m just always going to be this way. That’s just me. It’s who I am. I’m here there and everywhere. My mind’s all over the place. I want to do 5000 things. I have to stop being afraid of that. I used to be so much braver; this year I’m getting that courage back.
Here are some more good snippets from good ol’ JC:
"Life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you."
"Hope walks through the fire. Faith leaps over it."
"Two choices: love or fear. Choose love."
I’m going to have faith in myself again. I’m going to love myself as much as I can again. It’s going to be hard, everyday a struggle, but I’m going to do it. I don’t have anything else to lose and I have everything to gain.
2015, you were not my best year; in fact, you were probably one of the worst I’ve had on record, and I’ve had some pretty awful years.
But you know what? I survived you and most importantly - I survived myself.
2015, you won this battle because of fear; but I’ll win the war, because of love.