Or sometimes I'll make some other really 'funny' joke at my expense, feigning confidence to mask some insecurity that I thought I'd conquered, then I'll catch myself being a jackass and say, "thank you, seriously". I'll scold myself silently for being a jackass, while he slumps down in defeat, silently saying, " I was just trying to be nice...." ( I am such a B!)
It's a reflex, and it's completely my fault. I have conditioned myself to respond to compliments this way. A long time ago, I started to deal with my insecurities through humor, even though I was dying inside. Armed with a sarcasm shield and a tongue of wit, I could face whatever the world threw my at me - and especially what I threw at myself. This self smack talk has become just as much a part of me as the curves and beautiful imperfections my boyfriend so often compliments. They really became my coat of armor, and now, despite all my hard work and progress, I still seem unable to shake it off.
I know that I will always struggle with some insecurities, but I consider myself a very confident person. I love myself. I think I am pretty freaking awesome! But what is my deal with the compliment shunning?! I mean, I shoot them down with such tenacity, and it's really annoying and frustrating. I am so frustrated that after years of agonizing over trying to make my body worthy positive attention - both from others and from myself - I now find myself unable to accept that attention. Why is that?
Could it be because I know now after all that hard work that I don't need it and that I never really did? Even though I believe that this is true, it still seems silly and rude for me to brush kind words off, just because I don't need them. I mean, I don't need to eat Mexican every week but I do anyway..
Just because I have confidence doesn't mean that I shouldn't take that compliment graciously; especially one given by someone who loves me for so much more than my body. Right?
Could it be that I am not as confident as I think I am?
BUT REALLY: It could be that I am over thinking it all way too much, and I should just stuff my trap with some Mexican, and take the flippin' compliments.