Yes, you heard me. The WE channel.... David tutera, Bridezillas, you name it, I have vegged on it many a night... And it's during a particularly disturbing episode of "David Tutera weddings-unveiled", watching some horrible woman have an emotional breakdown over a flower arrangement being wrong- that I realize I'm in trouble.
I feel a strange surge of violence rise up inside me.. I have an overwhelming urge to punch this self righteous biznatch in the face. I scream at the tv, "You invited David Tutera to "fix" your wedding, you're getting a way better dress, flowers, FOOD, and overall experience than you could have ever paid for-and yet you're CRYING hysterically over things just not being "your way".".. Call me up when you have some REAL problems, sweetie....
And as angry as I am at the woman on this show.. I'm really feeling angry at myself. I have a ritualistic pity party for myself almost every night before I go to bed. Pathetic.. who is this woman? Bogged down by the immensity of her stress, her worries, and her fears.. She's not me. I'm not a quitter. I'm not a pessimist..at least not this often. Where have I gone? I get angry at me for letting pain weigh me down. For making decisions I now feel are wrong and for being such a coward when it comes to some things. I feel a little like I gave up on things I really wanted somewhere along the way, and I've never considered myself a quitter. What happened to my faith? My energy?
Silver linings are fading away, getting harder to see. Pep talks aren't working. I'm still sinking and i don't see anything to grab onto. Sure, some things about my life are fantastic, but other things-really important things, are just falling apart...
I want to chase dreams, but I need a solid foundation. I need to get my energy back. A job would help. any job. just something that makes me feel like I've got some sort of purpose. Shit..I'm almost desperate enough to bartend again-and I hate bartending. But maybe that's just what i'll have to do if it means me feeling better. getting my mojo back. getting a foundation.
I start to think how old i am, and how someone my age shouldn't see so god-damn lost. Shouldn't I already have a foundation? There's that feeling that i should be further along, doing more, seeing more.. i should be more established in some ways. Then I think "F that-I've done and seen so much..there's not rule saying I have to be at some imaginary point at this here and now in my life."
Most days I'm just putting on a happy face. I'm tired of that. it's exhausting. Do you know how much work it is to just put on a happy face? I know i'm an actress and i'm great at it, but try acting 24/7. Try holding back the tears during a phone call or at coffee with a friend. It burns. It's terrible.
What I'm saying here is that I'm a complete mess.. I'm not suicidal, I'm just really unhappy. and I'm not whining-I'm just confused. Dumbfounded, really. How the hell did I let this happen? What went wrong? Where did the girl go who was going to win an Oscar? travel the world? have a photo published in a big magazine? write a feature? Where the hell is that chick?
I feel useless and I'm starting to feel hopeless...that's awful. I don't want to feel hopeless..I don't want to start questioning every decision I ever made. I'll drive myself crazy..crazy in a bad way, not the fun kind of crazy..I'm already crazy fun. Crazy like "my head's gonna explode" crazy..
No one's got the answer. I'm the only person who has t
So all i can think to do is just keep going. Learning new things, trying to meet new people. Applying to every job I see. Chase every lead. Never give up. Never stop. Push push push.